Christian Realism

TWOT = The Wheel of Time
TWOT = Total Waste of Time

Bill Snodgrass installed a ChatBot at the Sword Review and asked us to
test it out:
http://theswordreview.com/Forum/chat/flashchat.php

Inspired by Joe Queenan, over the last two months I have attempted to resist dehumanization from faceless corporations. Up until this time, my rage against the machine has consisted of one futile, passive-aggressive act: any junk mail received with a postage-paid reply envelope is stuffed into said envelope and mailed back to the sending company. But lately I have tried to assert myself when mistreated; likewise, I have made an extra effort to pay compliments where they are due. But most of all, I’ve tried to have fun with the process.

The results have been impressive. Most companies, I’ve found, will bend over backwards to keep their customers happy. A quick note to Taco Bell about being trapped in a drive-thru lane for 15 minutes yielded two free meals. A complimentary letter to Old Wisconsin Sausage about the taste of their Original Summer Sausage resulted in a very nice letter in response, and several coupons. And I’ve had several fruitful conversations as a result of answering questions like, “how was everything?” and “did you find everything you wanted?” with thoughtful honesty, instead of blowing them off with meaningless non-answers.

Some companies, though, don’t learn. And none more evil, more inhuman, than Gannett News. A few weeks ago we received a self-congratulatory letter from the Appleton Post-Crescent. It boasted of a recent “Newspaper of the Year” award, and said we would receive complimentary delivery of the paper for the first week of May. I sent the following e-mail to customer service, and CCed the managing editor and the circulation manager:

Dear Sir or Madam,

Yesterday I received a letter announcing the Post-Crescent was voted Newspaper of the Year in Wisconsin. At least I assume the letter was intended for me: my name is not, in fact, “Resident,” but enough purveyors of credit cards and coupons call me such that I’ve come to accept it as a nickname for “Joshua.” In any case, congratulations on your win. I fully expected the Green Bay Press-Gazette to be voted Newspaper of the Year in Wisconsin after its success in crushing Gannett’s only local competing daily in the entire country. To somehow top that is most impressive.

But as proud as I am of my home-town paper, I must decline the offer of complimentary delivery from May 2nd through May 8th. Lacking a bird, and therefore a birdcage to line, I have no use for a daily collection of announcements, weather listings, classified advertisements, sales fliers, and high school sports scores, nor the thin veneer of wire service news stories it comes wrapped in. And I fear, were seven complimentary issues of the Post-Crescent delivered, I would feel compelled to return them.

So I request that you not deliver the paper to my house. I don’t feel like driving across town to drop them off in your parking lot: please don’t drop them off in my driveway.

Best regards,
Joshua “Resident” Ellis

Someone must have read the e-mail, because we did not receive any issues of the Post Crescent. But in an amazing demonstration of poor attention to detail, last Friday we received another letter from the Post Crescent, again addressed to Resident. This second letter started with, “We hope you enjoyed your complimentary subscription to the Post-Crescent…” It went on to describe the many ways life would improve if we took advantage of their special limited-time offer for home delivery.

Part of me wants to write an even snarkier letter, and send it to the Opinions column. At minimum I will write the Post-Crescent, ask to be removed from their mailing list, and include a vague threat about the Wisconsin Department of Agriculture, Trade, and Consumer Protection. Not that it matters much, as we are moving in 10 weeks. But this episode has shown me that the evil of faceless corporations is matched only by their stupidity: one must be ever-vigilant, but continued effort can improve things.

The Washington Post reports that Merriam-Webster ran a contest for words that aren’t in the dictionary that should be. M-W was swamped with more than 3,000 entries.

Their top 10 are here.

Anyone who has children (or has been one sometime in the past) will not find this all that amazing.

Your mission, should you chose to accept it, is to use as many of these in a creative work as you can. Have fun.